Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
