Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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