we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
