wrigley field is MILF paradise
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
