dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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