Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
