Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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