I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
