good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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