please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
