We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
