My friends, they love my intelligence
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
