Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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