i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
