i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
