Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
