She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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