I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
