I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
