so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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