you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
