I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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