There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
