i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
