You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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