you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
