wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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