I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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