Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
