Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
