It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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