my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Randomize
