i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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