you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
