Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
