you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
