is your mom at the bar?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
