No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
