he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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