my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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