As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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