Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
