my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
