he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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