i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
