also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
