i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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