I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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