it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
