Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
