So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
