whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
