what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
