Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
